circle.s.

Ahhh... the clear crack in the neck, the release of the day...

i have been working a lot lately. it has made me realize, i feel bad for those who work much more than i do. to begin complaining would be childish on my part. the only part i feel i am allowed to complain about is being tired, strictly because i have been having to wake up much earlier than most other people who work.... that was unnecessary blabber.

i don't feel the need to constantly rag on work. there's no point. change can only be for the better. and how can that change be brought about by my own pessimism and self-doubt? i guess that's why they call me mellow yellow... that, and for other reasons.

in other bethany news.

my room is constantly in a state of catastrophe. there has been no hurricane or tornado sighted in these parts of Ohio for awhile, yet my room continues to be in a circular messy state... clean then catastrophic events take place, which has led me to reflect on my own life and well-being.

in other areas of my life, i am meticulous. hand me a folder to be organized and will it not only be organized alphabetically, but also numerically, and by color. stick me in my own room to organize, and i will not complete it for about a year, and when completed, will immediately be in disarray once more.

i still live in my parents' house. i think this has a lot to do with my messy problem. i am only messy in my room. i hardly ever make messes i don't clean up outside my room. there are several root problems:

1. i have too much stuff.
2. i keep too much stuff, which is not necessary.
3. i like control.
4. i'm stubborn.

i think the reason my room continues to stay messy is a conglomeration of these 4 root problems. a big one is the fact that it's my room. i will clean it when i want, how i want, and if i want to. since i do live with my parents, i want to maintain control over one thing, that being my room. i don't have much control of my own life right now, considering i still heavily rely on their support and monetary funding. so when i'm told to clean my room, at 23, i still DON'T WANT TO! especially now, that i am an adult and am treated like a 10 year old.

and on that note... to be continued... i should probably continue working on cleaning my room now...

work.work.work.

wow. it's been awhile...

perhaps it's been too long. my mind has wandered far and wide, here and there, there nor here.

questions still remain.
what am i supposed to be doing?
what am i striving for?
what could i be doing to fulfill my dreams?

i always feel i should have some sort of intellectual rant of the day, containing and not limited to, numerous empty, meaningless words. - - strictly used for the purpose of being "intellectual."

i feel as humans, we are trying too hard to be the next best, biggest thing in the world.
we are technologically advancing world, in an ecologically declining environment.
each life we add, hundreds more are taken away, be them ozone molecules, oxygen, plant life, etc.
ecology is fading fast.
but we keep striving. we keep doing. we keep producing. we keep running. keep driving. keep burning.

in a way, we are running in a never ending and treacherous circle, which will eventually be our doom.

we need to take a minute.
breathe.
relax.
namaste.

life is going by too fast. yesterday was last year. tomorrow's Christmas. next week is 10 years from now.

are we appreciating?
are we really living?
breathing?
relaxing?

no...

Non-Original Ingenuity

This weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in a long time.

I saw Ryan Adams with my best friend, which was followed by an eloquently intellectual 2 hour conversation on the ride back from Cincinnati. Questions ultimately build upon questions. Questions turn into theories, which turn into discussions. No disagreement, just fundamental building of ideas and curiosities. The human mind put to its best work.

I love life. And I love life with my best friend.

Things are altogether wonderful right now.

Class is Now in Session

Ah, doesn't success continue to be an ongoing, driving force of life?

Is it success? Is it happiness?

I beg to put a stop to this madness, but it will never cease.

I watched Dead Poet's Society last night. What a wonderfully enchanting and depressing movie.

Carpe Diem! Seize the day!

What I don't quite understand is the fact, that it can't be done by all.
When the suicide occurs, I just can't help but dwell on the idea of suicide. The boy is 17 years old. Is it truly necessary to come to the terms of life by ending it? Sure, he believes he has hit his climatic point in life by starring in a play, but is it necessary to end the beauty of life? He believes it is his last resort to come out of the reigns of his annoyingly strict and suffocating father, but let's not be so immature as to commit suicide. Move out! Make a name for yourself! And THEN show your father who's boss. That's what I would do...or try to do.

Irregardless...haha, I mean, Regardless, this post was supposed to be about class starting...

I'm really freaking excited and nervous, although the former outweighs the latter.
I came to OSU today expecting to drop one of my classes at 7:30AM, and was denied. This week has proven to be a week of denying Bethany and treating her like a minority (even though she is one).

Let's see, here's a concise and summarized version:
Monday: wake up, take a shower, study for a Math proficiency Exam for four hours, fail Math proficiency exam in one hour, go to zoo to be denied entrance because dad's name is on card and he is not present

Tuesday: wake up, make up bowl of cereal and realize there's no milk, eat cereal dry with fingers, go to OSU and confirm failing of aforementioned Math proficiency exam, go to Advisor's office and be denied and discriminated against by receptionist ("Are you an International student?" "NOOOO" "What's your e-mail address?" "Brakemeyer.1" "Brakemeyer??" yes, I'm a citizen of the United States of America. My last name is, in fact, Brakemeyer. I'm sorry if it disappoints you my last name is not Lee, Kim, Chang, Chung, etc)

Wednesday: wake up at 5:45AM! drive to OSU, find out I should've stayed in bed til class time

Let's hope this week does not continue in the same suit.

Well, I still have an hour and fifteen minutes before class. I guess it's time to stalk people somewhere or check out the stupidest videos on youtube ever. I thought college was supposed to help smart people stay smart. I guess I'll continue becoming more stupid now...